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They also expect me to be dominant, which isn’t to say that I can’t be, but I do get a lot of messages from guys who assume I’m a total top, and that is so not the case.

I’ve also met with guys who have been alarmed to find out my voice isn’t deeper.” — Ryan, 29“Masculine in talking, body gestures, clothes,” explained a 24-year-old dude before he retracted: “I actually don’t mind feminine clothes, but talking feminine bothers me the most.” Not just a high pitch, he clarified, but “the pronunciation of words, saying stuff in a more feminine way.” How primal, that attraction in 2015 is so heavily influenced by the pitch of a sound emitted from a potential mate!

One guy, 32, told me that he had a “masculine upbringing” where you “had to be a man,” and that influenced his attraction to other masculine men.

Being raised in an environment where masculinity meant survival can certainly condition a man to value it more than others who were raised in a way that encouraged all types of behaviors from childhood.

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It seems like a shallow and almost egregious way to find a mate — Darwin (to say nothing of Freud! When I come across men on these apps who seem so dead-set on finding someone who’s “masc,” I wonder — what is it, exactly, they’re looking for? If we take traditional masculinity, heavily reliant on the social conventions of straight dudes, then they’re looking for someone “straight acting” — and yet despite some adult films I’ve seen, I’m not sure that fucking other guys is something that hypermasculine straight guys do very much.

Many of the definitions of masculinity center on what straight guys “should” be like, and therefore how the ideal gay guy “should” act: “speaking in a deep voice,” “playing and watching sports like football and basketball,” and “beer drinking” were all mentioned.

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